FLOG

Neighbor Man Starts the Fire

I promised you I'd tell you about an actual conversation with Neighbor Man. So here goes.

It's 12:35 AM. I've just put my mom to bed on the couch; she's down for a visit and, after we've all divied up a couple rounds of mint juleps (up!) and a bottle of Shiraz, it's time to hit the hay. I'm just saying good night when a flurry of Oregon-grade fireworks burst out of their boxes right out on the street. Wishing nothing else for Ma but a quiet sleep, I step out front to see a car stopped outside the house with two fountain fireworks spending themselves in front of it.

"Alright!" I scream at the car. "That's enough, move the FUCK ALONG!"

Only after stepping back inside and closing the front windows to guard my mom against further noise do I realize I saw Neighbor Man out there with a lit match. It was him, and not whoever was in the car, who was lighting fireworks in the street. Right in front, I further realize, of an oncoming car.

A twinge of remorse hits me as I head to my backyard to stay up with Ashley for another hour or two. Yelling at strangers who stop their cars to light fireworks in front of my house is one thing, but yelling at Neighbor Man is another. Feeling like an ass, I resolve to go over and apologize, and let him know he can do whatever he wants to.

I head over, Ashley behind me, to find him cowering behind his garage, looking upset.

"Hi!" I blurt. "I didn't know it was you doing those fireworks! I thought it was those assholes in that car! I don't mind you setting them off!"

He doesn't grasp the distinction: "I just got back from the bar and I had some fireworks so I thought I might set them off."

"GREAT! No problem! Do all you want! Rock on!" I say, retreating. As we walk back to our house we feel like a couple of silly old fuddy-duddies. When Neighbor Man's fire orgy fails to start back up, I decide to send him a final token of my goodwill: a moon rocket. These black little hulks are shaped like actual rockets and launch themselves quite purposefully up one hundred feet before executing a sleek Challenger-style self-destructo. Neighbor Man gets the hint and resumes his fiesta.

The rest of the night, Neighbor Man's words repeat and repeat in my ear: "I just got back from the bar and I had some fireworks so I thought I might set them off." "I just got back from the bar and I had some fireworks so I thought I might set them off." "I just got back from the bar and I had some fireworks so I thought I might set them off." "I just got back from the bar and I had some fireworks so I thought I might set them off." And I realize, finally, why he is so fascinating: he is me in an alternate universe. Haggard, bearded, building his beer bottles into pyramids and wearing his Hawaiian shirts open to the waist, coming home from a night of debauchery to fire his sparks into the night, in many ways Neighbor Man is who I'd be if I was still single and lived alone.

Although I think I'd mow the lawn a little more often.

Posted by FLOG at July 22, 2004 5:33 AM