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Things you can learn from 24 year old smut

As explained here, I recently came into an issue of Playboy from October of 1980.

(Syntax automatically double-entendred for your convenience!)

Now, I'm a sucker for old periodicals. Born to be a historian as much as an attorney. (What's that, professor? You want me to read every line of a week's worth of the New York Times from 1861, for no better reason than to help you gather raw data for your next book? Fuck yes, I say!)

So I grabbed this Playboy for reasons beyond mere boobings. I wanted to delve into the not too distant past.

Here are a few things I gleaned from this dispatch from the era between the shooting of J.R. and the revelation of who shot him:

How to Convince a Girl You're a Real Sex Machine, 1980 Style:

"A sequence of Mount St. Helens' eruption might look good on the walls of your bedroom."

Some Things Never Change:

1. Ted Nugent is still foretelling the apocalypse:

"PLAYBOY: Do you think things are getting worse?

"NUGENT: On earth? Unquestionably. Absolutely, and the ultimate result is that Mother Nature is going to kick our ass real good with storms, floods, tornadoes and basic land openings that will engulf all these saps."

(I've got about a year of geology under my belt, but I'm stymied: what the hell is a "basic land opening"?)

2. Hollywood has apparently been at this "remake" thing for awhile:

"Hollywood, in its desperate search for new material, is once again reviving an old classic -- the Lone Ranger saga. Set for a Christmas 1980 release, The Legend of the Lone Ranger . . . stars two relative unknowns -- Klinton Spilsbury as the masked man and Michael Horse as his faithful side-kick, Tonto."

(Hmm. They are still relative unknowns, and I've never heard of that movie. Must not have been quite the "box office smash" the producers were crowing about.}

Other Things Change a Lot

1. Apparently, Sir Bocephus was an innovative artist in 1980:

"On Habits Old and New, Hank Williams, Jr., continues to spice the traditional country-and-western song forms with ironic new meanings as he puts down discos and the white-collar set."

2. Schnapps and beer? Wha?

"Leroux & Brew.

Smooth and easy partners. Leroux Perppermint Schnapps and crisp chilled beer. The glow of the schnapps chased by the icy cold of the brew is smooth all the way, uniquely delicious. Discover the drink that's sweeping the country."

(Swept through and gone, I fear.)

Finally, The "Well, Surely That's The End Of That" Award Nominees:

"Let us now lay to rest the myth so widely promulgated by the so-called Right-to-Lifers that abortion was legalized in 1973 at the whim of some godless Supreme Court Justices, contrary to the moral beliefs of most Americans. At last the issue has been put to a vote. In Toledo, a proposed anti-abortion ordinance was . . . defeated by an impressive two-to-one margin, 40,000 to 20,000."

* * * * * *

"The Army may not discharge a soldier solely because he or she is homosexual, a U.S. district court has ruled . . . The federal judge declared that that violates the First, Fifth and Ninth amendments."

* * * * * *

"Mick says that the Stones will probably tour the U.S. this fall and play smaller places before Bill Wyman finally makes good on his plans to retire."

And so abortion, gays in the military, and the Rolling Stones were consigned to history's landfill, forever.

Fun, huh? Well, coming soon (maybe), FLOG will delve into "Things you can learn from 24 year old smut, Visual Edition™"

Posted by FLOG at October 21, 2004 4:20 PM