Part of my effort to immerse myself in a shock-bath of German kultur this past August was an intrepid investigation of the daily offal offerings at the Continental breakfast table. I ate a whole lot of unknowable crap that looked like this or that, and I'd usually regret doing so as soon as it hit my stomach and met up with the stragglers from the previous night's barley fest.
Well, as I shrugged off the grogs this morning over the latest Maxim (in which you may choose whether to snore or sleep on Laura Prepon, figuratively of course, but unfortunately she's gone blond), what to my wondering eyes should appear but the revelation that I probably FUCKING ATE HORSE:
See, them Germans love to eat horses. Demand for Trigger's flesh jumped three years ago when Mad Cow disease made imported British beef deadly. In fact, the people of the fatherland consumed 6,900 tons of horse meat back in 2001, and they continue to deprive American dogs of the low-grade food they deserve.Up until today, I was joking when I said a lot of what the Germans ate for breakfast was wet dog food. Now I see it is true. And all I can think to say is, PTEH! Posted by FLOG at November 1, 2004 2:48 AMMaxim, November 2004, 40.
What's the big deal about eating a horse? Is it because, in the US, it's associated with dog food? Well, eating cows in India is absolutely deplorable.
Let's focus on the meat itself. Is horse beef really all that different from cow beef? Horses are more expensive than the average heifer. In way, it's exotic. What's more classy? Eating Seabiscuit or a cow that's been sitting in a muddy field its whole life? Better yet, Seabiscuit or a pig that has spent its entire life loafing in its own feces?
If you can handle elk, pig, cow, reindeer, alligator, buffalo, duck, turkey etc, what's a little horse? Free your mind, man, and track yourself down some Mr. Ed Brand Burger Patties. Them's good eatin'!
Posted by: Horse meat = yummy at November 1, 2004 10:07 AMBlog, I can see your IP address. If you're so convinced that horse meat is A-okay, why comment anonymously? Sign your name, go eat some dog food and get back to me.
Here's why horse meat is not A-okay. Unlike beef cattle, horses have a purpose beyond simply farting and waiting to die. They are highly valued, expensive animals. Nobody is going to raise them exclusively for their meat. Beef cattle live for only a couple years before slaughter, because after that their meat becomes to tough to be palatable.
The horses used in cat, dog, and probably German food, on the other hand, are old, played-out horses. All that's left in them is a few Euro down at the sausage factory. Their meat has toughened with age and strenuous activity; it's stringy and good for only one thing: being ground to shit and put into gelatinous tubes with other random killing-floor scraps to be sucked down thoughtlessly by cats, dogs, and dirty dirty Krauts.
So, unlike those other exotic animals you listed, horse meat is not some great delicacy -- not to me, anyway. It's just more fodder for some really grotesque sausages. And when I say "sausage," picture not a nice plump andouille. Picture the grossest tin of cat food you've ever seen, because that's what the Germans toss on their plates in the morning. I've tried the shit and found it rather revolting, but they treat it as a delicacy. So I'll say it again: PTEH!
Posted by: FLOG™ at November 1, 2004 10:47 AMBender: Amy, you're cute -- so I baked you a pony!
Posted by: phooeyhoo at November 1, 2004 11:01 AMSheesh, why would I want to write about horse meat anonymously? Hmmmm....
With the exception of trying a dog biscuits once when I was four years old, I, to my knowledge, have never eaten a horse. In the US, yes, this meat is among the lowest grade and that's why it's stuck in dog food. Only tired, near dead animals not worthy of the glue factory (probably) make it into all those cans of Alpo.
When I read your post I naturally assumed that if Germans are eating horseys, they've must have a few breeding farms set up around the country for the express purpose of cranking out quality sausages. Instead of eating grade F meat, you would have been munching on B- at the worst.
If there enough Duestchlanders making a breakfast out these animals to land them on the plate of a foreign tourist, there has to be a specialized industry devoted to cranking them out. Not enough people keep horses around these days to supply the market. Instead of eating a mare that died from whooping cough you were probably chowing down on black stallion slaughtered in the prime of its life.
Posted by: Horse meat = yummy at November 1, 2004 1:25 PMSorry BLOG, but I don't think you fully understand what kind of meat we're talking about here. I'm not talking about a choice cut of My Little Pony, delicately braised and topped with caramelized onions. I'm talking offal suspended in gelatin. I really wish, now, that I had taken a few pictures of the things I ate for breakfast, but suffice it to say, I am not exaggerating when I compare it to canned dog food. Some of it was even nastier than that. This is a nation that apparently thrives on Mystery Meat.
Somehow, when I wrote this post, I just knew you would try to turn it into a debate. All I can say is, next time you're thinking of an impulse trip, go to Germany. You have got to taste this crap for yourself.
Posted by: FLOG™ at November 1, 2004 1:56 PMWhen and if I ever make it to Germany I'll be sure to pack a cooler filled with TV dinners.
Some of the more exotic foods I've eaten have been while sitting in Gustav's. Your post has left me wondering if that leg of rabbit I ate was actually once part of a fetal horse. Thanks!
Still the Germans have nothing up the greater part of Asia. If you haven't already, check out the Miss Dish column in this week’s Willy Week. Sho has a quote in there about a Japanese breakfast dish that looks and tastes like moldy socks.
The article also tackles Africa and other parts of Europe. A quote from the owner of a local Dutch American market: "It's all in people's heads. If you say you are eating beef, it's good. But if you say horsemeat, it becomes bad."
Also: Sure ,I have the market cornered but no pumpkin pics? You were all over that last year.
Posted by: Horse meat = yummy at November 1, 2004 4:35 PMOh, I wouldn't worry about packing the TV dinners. Nobody forced any F-grade meat on me. I sought it out by going for the most odd and disgusting looking (& smelling) stuff on the breakfast platter. You could easily cruise through even the cheapest German hotels on fine sourdough, herbed cream cheeses and proscuitto. But where's the fun in that?
Pumpkin pics: I procrastinated past the deadline on the pumpkin pics. However, we've got some doozies here so I might put some up anyway. I'll see if I can revise history by fudging the date on the blog post when I put it up, so it'll look like it went up on Halloween. If I do so, naturally this comment will have to self-destruct. Muhaha!
Posted by: FLOG™ at November 1, 2004 4:57 PMThe fact that Halloween is over isn't going to stop me from posting a 1,000 word essay on a KISS tribute concert/costume ball I went to. Run yer' pumpkins.
Posted by: Horse meat = yummy at November 1, 2004 6:26 PMThis entire comment exchange has been too civil and well-written. Did we even curse?
Posted by: FLOG™ at November 2, 2004 1:04 AMFuck them faggots.
Posted by: mr.curse at November 2, 2004 5:15 AMOh, you wanna do some cursing? OK, here's your motivation: FUCK {Dan Ackroyd}! FUCK HIM IN HIS DAMN FOOL CANADIAN HEAD!
Posted by: Horse meat = yummy at November 2, 2004 10:33 AMAgreed! Cheers!
Posted by: FLOG™ at November 2, 2004 10:58 AMHow DARE you manipulate my comments! THIS MEANS WAR, BUCKO!
Posted by: Horse meat = yummy at November 2, 2004 2:30 PMWar all you want. But I guarantee you can only lose.
Posted by: FLOG™ at November 2, 2004 3:17 PMWe shall see.
Posted by: Horse meat = yummy at November 2, 2004 4:12 PMDid someone say my name?
Posted by: Sho at November 2, 2004 11:14 PMYeah. Only now did I catch the "looks and smells." That should probably be "tastes and smells."
Posted by: blog at November 3, 2004 1:56 AMBut it actually says "looks and tastes."
Posted by: FLOG™ at November 3, 2004 1:22 PMSo sorry. 'Twas drunk when I wrote that.
Posted by: blog at November 3, 2004 4:17 PMDan: did you eat anything called gritswurst? My aunt (third gen gGerman-american) made that shit for Dad and me one time we were through and it was the WORST GODDAMN THING I have had in my life. Ever. And the thing is that I like German food, at least various kinds of schintzels and dinner things containing potatoes etc. That gritswurst shit, though, goddamn. Also, screw horse, try Emu sometime. Now there's a tasty meat.
Posted by: Timothy at November 6, 2004 11:37 PMI might have had gritswurst. Who knows? I just grabbed things at random from breakfast buffets.
On the whole, though, I agree that the cuisine over there has a lot going for it. You have to love a country where fries come with everything, and the schnitzel is absolutely heavenly. I just don't get why they insist on starting their day with dog food.
Posted by: FLOG™ at November 7, 2004 7:52 PM