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Hey Zuma, can you put Dan on eBay?

Oh come now, WWB, surely you are aware of the 13th Amendment? Are all of Dan's friends as fatuous as yourself?

Oh crap. My foot is definitely in my mouth right about now, Zuma.

That presents quite a tableau, Dan, given that your mouth, as with the rest of your head, was already well and firmly entrenched in your hindquarters.

Pardon my uncouth terminology.

Uh, Zuma, can we talk about this in private?

If you're talking to the dog, you're being a good pet owner. If the dog is talking to you, particularly in the form of giving instructions about murders, you're schizophrenic.

And if the dog is talking to you?

Hey Zuma, now that you're talking and have apparently also grown opposable thumbs so you can type and take photos, you should have a heart-heart with Dan in person or via IM if you aren't speaking to one another. The snotty posts back and forth ain't gonna do squat.

I've lived around you and your kind since before I popped out of the womb so I'd like to think I know something or two about dogs. You're all like toddlers- hyperactive, fur-covered, incredibly destructive toddlers with sharp teeth.

Living with you lil' bastards can be an enormous pain but doesn't have to be so. The first thing Dan should do is keep anything chewable/valuable well out of your reach. Leaving a camera where a young-ish dog can get to it is like leaving a toddler unattended next to a silverware drawer and an electrical socket. On the other hand, my parents elderly dog somehow managed to get to a shelf over my sister's desk last week, snag a Starbucks scone, and tip over a pile of books onto a remote control for a space heater. The heater turned on and could quite possibly have burned down the entire house.

Morale of the story, Dan should keep his camera and any space heater remotes behind closed doors. Closets work best.

As for the poo, your pal Pepper is probably angry about something. Every potty-trained dog I've ever met only takes a dump in the house if it has an upset stomach or if it's upset in general. If the poo is solid, it means he's pissed...possibly over not enough trips to the dog park or the fact that you keep snagging all the peanut butter covered rawhides.

As for the hair, short of brushing you two every five minutes or shaving you there's probably not much that can be done about that.

As for your hyperactivity, you two do have a humongous backyard to run around in. If you've got energy to burn, cut your owners a break and do it out there. Law school's a bitch so don't be one yourselves. Otherwise you might wind up getting crated every time they leave the house or, worse yet, getting your doggy butts auctioned off.

Timothy:

Greetings. If you are the Timothy I remember, I like you. One word of advice, however: yelling at rain clouds does no good. I came by this lesson by a hard path. I have seen you go down the same hard path, yet I am not convinced you have arrived at the lesson.

Brandon:

Why is it that so many humans of your ilk believe nothing can ever get done save by way of opposable thumbs? You all possess them, but I have yet to see any of you take apart a 10-inch rawhide chew in five minutes with these vaunted hands of yours. I can accomplish more with my mouth in one hour than most of the humans I have met can do in a day. The rest of your comments are even more condescending, going beyond the threshold deserving of reply.

Dan:

I am willing to talk privately, if for nothing else than to get away from these benighted friends of yours, but it will have to be via IM. In your physical presence I am enthralled to the point of inarticulacy, and this is far too grave a dispute to be discussed in primitive yipping and howls.

Good day to you all.

One way or another, I'm going to figure out how to put FLOG™ on eBay...

So you won't even consider my unsolicited advice, huh? Bad dog! Baaaaaad! Someone should whap you with a rolled up newspaper.

I'd whap you with a rolled up newspaper, but I'm afraid you'd like it.