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The best movie ever

The copy on the back of the video case only begins to evoke the awesomeness of what I saw on Saturday night:

Action: Bond style. Beauty: Vanity style. Hero: American style. NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE stars teenage idol JOHN STAMOS and the sensually exotic VANITY as two of the most dynamic secret agents seen in years. GENE SIMMONS plays the supervillain who plans to take over the country, and finds his plot blocked by Stamos and Vanity. The two suddenly find themselves the targets of the vicious Simmons, and must take on the maniacal hermaphrodite. The resulting battle of the "sexes" blows the lid off the evil plan, and Stamos joins the ranks of the American Hero.

Powerful heavy-metal music, state-of-the-art weaponry, and the explosive chemistry between two of the sexiest stars on the screen blend to make this exciting action flick an automatic winner.

Yeah, I know, that sounds pretty good. But in truth it is many times better than that, for there is only so much you can fit into case copy. And this is the sort of film where each new element that makes it better has an exponential effect on the overall awesomeness. (I know I'm sounding pretty brain-dead here, but see, my mind has been blown by the awesomeness. And this is 48 hours later, mind you.) For example, just minutes before the end, [SPOILER WARNING!], the movie becomes exactly 16 times as good as it was before when, set upon by a mob of bloodthirsty drunken anarchist cult-members, John Stamos turns to Vanity and says, "Don't blame them -- they're victims of a tough society," and you learn that it was a bleeding-heart social commentary all along.

I have seen two other movies in the intervening 48 hours, one of which was Commando. I will watch many more in my remaining days. But I have already been to the zenith of cinema, and it's all pale pretenders from here on out.

Posted by FLOG at November 8, 2005 2:09 AM